Studies show that two of the main causes for divorce are sex and money, but studies don’t always show the whole picture.
“The number one problem—though I prefer the word challenge—in marriage is indeed effective communication,” said psychotherapist Laura Young
Surprisingly, communication is the most commonly reported relationship problem. These problems usually happen because you don’t like what the other person has to say; or you want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings; or you want a more expressive spouse and want to control what they express.
Relationships are complex and complicated, and no two marriages are the same. Open communication is necessary to the life of a marriage relationship.
Although communicating better is something you can learn, knowing how to do it in an effective way is easier if it’s done from the start of the relationship. Couples are more willing to discuss their differences at the beginning of their relationships. Unfortunately, couples that have been together for years become so shortsighted that they would rather be right than happy.
Not Having Fun Together
When you’ve been with someone for so long, date nights inevitably lose their significance. Sitting side-by-side watching a movie every night navigating on your phones doesn’t count.
“Couples spend too much time on the ‘business’ of being a married couple and not enough time staying connected, having fun together,” said therapist Lauren Urban-Colacicco
Date nights are extremely important as corny as it may sound. In order for a relationship to be successful, the emotional and passionate connection between partners is necessary. Date nights show a willingness to make your relationship a priority by setting special time aside.
A date night is a great opportunity to communicate which can help the two of you deepen your understanding of one another and the relationship. It is a good time to rediscover each other.
Daily practice of a meaningful connection and having fun as a couple is needed. Finding that moment to be together free of family, financial or other stresses — just to have fun together is important. Married couples that play together, stay together!
Busy, Busy
After the early experience of being in love, couples don’t recognize that marriage still needs nurturing. They let it run on autopilot and eventually start fighting a lot or get bored with each other. Also, intimacy can disappear or sometimes someone might have an affair.
“Couples time-starve their relationships,” said psychotherapist and marriage counselor Jean Fitzpatrick
It’s very important to make time for your marriage. You should make time to be together just like you make time for your exercise class. It’s like an investment for your health. There’s nothing essentially bad about work, children, socializing or devices, but couples need to add the relationship to their calendar.
The bottom line is: if you don’t schedule time for each other, you won’t have the time.
Insensitive or Too Sensitive?
It happens…feelings get hurt! The resentment and anger will intensify if communication is not handled well, and suddenly you’ll be giving each other the silent treatment for two days.
“What comes up a lot is someone misunderstanding the other person’s motive,” said marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer
Sometimes a person will say something (or do something) that in no way is intended to be hostile, and yet, whatever is said or done is interpreted as hurtful. When the other person reacts in anger, the person who said (or did) it is immediately rattled, and jumps into an explanation — which will only put them in a deeper hole.
It’s important to express compassion for your partner’s hurt feelings even if you feel like you did nothing wrong. If your spouse is upset about something, a good reply would be, ‘I’m sorry. My intent was not to hurt you.’ If they feel like they did nothing wrong, 9 out of 10 people will not apologize. And as for the wounded, it’s important to take a deep breath before taking things so personally.
Increase the Honesty
Couples that have a strong marriage accept the good and the bad in each other. You can grow more as an individual and closer together as a couple when the honesty increases. Your marriage can reach new heights through this growth.
So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?
1. Speak up
Speak up more. How often do you avoid bringing something up out of fear of your partner’s reaction? To help your marriage and each other grow, there are times when you will need to speak up.
Many couples think “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m thinking.” Did your vows say that you’d be able to read each other’s minds for as long as you shall live? Probably not!
Don’t wait for your partner to pick up on the fact that you’re frustrated, or upset, or lonely…Speak up! Two things can happen. First, you will grow more because you’ve spoken up for yourself. Second, your spouse will be understand your emotions and thoughts and realize that you’re treating them like an adult by asking for what you need.
2. The obvious is obvious
If you’ve had a stressful day at work, you know it’s probably going to be stressful at home as well. So, before you get in to it with your spouse, point out to them ahead of time that you need a few minutes to decompress otherwise your stress level will shoot through the roof. A simple kiss, hello, and taking 5 minutes to relax from the day will do wonders for your relationship.
Another example is when the discussion starts to get heated, point it out. When your voice raises in a conversation, it’s about your power and your pride rather than what’s best for all the people involved. Take a time out and agree to resume the conversation at a time when both people have had opportunity to reflect and cool down.
3. Grow up
Many people go screaming and kicking into adulthood. Living with another person forces you to grow up fast. And probably right about the time your spouse is done growing you up, your kids come along.
See your spouse as someone who may want more from you rather than seeing them as someone who doesn’t understand you. They may be looking for a lover, a friend, a true supporter, or simply a partner in the adventure of life. Communicating about what each of you wants increases the potential for a positive, fun relationship.
Problem-Solving Strategies
- Make an appointment with each other. Put the cell phones down, put the kids to bed early, and let the answering machine pick up your calls.
- If you communicate by raising your voices, go to a public area like the library or a restaurant where you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you yelling.
- Try not to interrupt your partner until they are finished speaking. Set up some rules and ban sayings like “You always …” or “You never ….”
- Pay attention and show that you’re listening. Don’t fidget, look at your phone, or fuss with your hair. Nod your head so your partner knows you’re getting the message, and reword if you need to.
- Often times a third party can offer a perspective and insight to help bring about change and growth. Many relationships can grow and become healthy with a truthful and skilled counselor to help you get back on track.
Developing strong listening skills is one of the key ways to improve communication. Couples often don’t listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt them or give them the impression that no matter what they say they won’t change their mind. Repeating what you have heard ensures that you have listened and understand what was said. When you repeat it back you have the time to comprehend and understand it.
It takes some time to change old marriage communication habits. But with just a few changes, these bad communication habits can be changed between spouses. Real progress can be made in your relationship when you understand how it all works together.
If this sounds like your relationship, start the conversation with your spouse. The first stop to building a solid marriage is identifying and agreeing on the issues. Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. So, start communicating!
This information is provided to supplement the care provided by your physician. It is neither intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. CALL YOUR HEALTHCARE PROVIDER IMMEDIATELY IF YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider prior to starting any new treatment or with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
